In the musical, RENT, one of my favorite lines is “I’m just looking for baggage that goes with mine”.
This should really be the last line of my blog. Or, perhaps, my ENTIRE blog. But, much like auditioning for professional theatre, I can’t help but to see some similarities.
I am a triple threat…I dance, sing, and act (though that’s not my best of the 3) and, because of my height, I have never found myself as an ingenue, but, more likely as a character actress, or a strong lead dancer or dance captain, with a small vocal solo, in the ensemble.
I auditioned constantly, and was kept often, through the entire day, and then let go because of my height or build. I often heard things like “too bad you’re that small, or that size, build, chest, or leg length, because you’re really good, strong, vibrant, skilled, an incredible hoofer, (that’s a tap thing) or upwards to fabulous. The odd thing was, I was all of those physicalities when I came in. It’s not like that was going to change over the course of the day. And, while I made cut after cut, remained, hour after hour, and they paired us off with partners, this became ever so much more obvious. Now, this was NOT a “dance ten, looks three” situation, with the exception of “I saw what they were hiring”…but I couldn’t do anything to change that, Park Avenue, and 73rd, or not. Your height is your height. And, though I will admit to trying to stretch myself on a monkey bar as a kid, I knew full well, years later, that nothing would change that. I hold myself as tall as possible, have good posture, don’t “schlump” and all that, but I am just under 5 feet tall. I have also been cast as a teen, child, etc., because of this…4 foot, 10, 4 foot, 10…if you know, you know.
There are so many things about dating that remind me of auditions like these… Even the profiles of what people are looking for…fit, tall, leggy, BBW, etc., etc. And then the flip side…Does their schedule coincide with mine? What would the commute be? Is there downtime? Me time? What’s the contract expectations? How long do I see myself doing this? Is there longevity in this potential? And on and on.
My (Married) friend sends me memes that are pretty accurate:
“Dating when you are older, is like going to Walmart and finding the cart without the broken wheel”
“Dating: It’s like finding the least broken crayon in the box.”
“Dating, when you’re older, is like digging through the crumbs at the bottom of the bag of chips to find that one chip that isn’t SO broken, that you can get just one more scoop of salsa.”
Now, I KNOW you want the nitty gritty of who, what, and where, so, though I’m an absolute newbie at this, I’ll give you enough to make it worth the purchase of your seat…
I do, however, have to reiterate something that I set into motion, that I believe just might be THE most important thing in this process…Anyone in this “situation” HAS to have done the work, whether that be therapeutically, or not. That includes ongoing situations that still keep you unhealthily connected to your past that holds great tension, like grief therapy, like those last few alimony payments, that marital house that you’re still paying for, that car that you still haven’t replaced, because of those other payments, the lack of coordination of family holidays, that 25 year old kid’s medical insurance that is causing you to work 2 jobs when your 25 year old is not working one, and, that unfinished business with your “Ex”, whether romantic, lost, rejected, or hurt. Yes, we ALL take the hurt with us, but, …AND HERE IT IS FOLKS: In order to date, you have to, not only be READY to do so in YOUR mind, but you must be ready to do so, so that YOUR dating someone else, doesn’t hurt THEM.
That “chip” in the bag becomes very apparent when it’s there, and has the potential to hold a decent size scoop of salsa. And, if that chip HAS kept itself together, through the ongoing dropping or crushing of the bag, then it is much more likely to be enjoyed. And, if it fails, or, better yet, is about to do you wrong, it will recognize it, admit to cracking, and let you know that it wasn’t as chip ready as it thought it was. “Caution, contents break under pressure.”
Here’s what else I’ve learned…
Walmart and Target are two VERY different places. This relates to everything from where you shop to what they “carry”, what quantity and quality they have; How many brands can you choose from, how is it staffed, and how do you check out upon purchase? (I am not a fan of self checkout, and would much rather engage in the social interaction, should time allow). You need to know what you want, and look for it in the right places. (If you want to meet someone who bikes, get on a bike. If you want to meet someone who loves the beach, go to the beach. If you want to meet someone who works out, go to the gym. And, if you want to meet someone who drinks, go to a bar.) seems logical, right?!
Crayons….I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember the last time I needed a crayon. I mean, I love crayons, and used to color, but now, I carry my own pen, and, have a beautiful array of journaling markers that I use for my journal, cards, and my planner. If they run out of ink over time, I replace them. I’ve always taken very good care of my belongings, and, because of that, they last longer than expected. A crayon is fun for a once in a while, kid like, change of pace, but, I’ll stick to my journaling markers. (No judgement if crayons are your thing; fun is fun, but I’m looking for long lasting quality.)
The crumbs at the bottom of the bag, well, we’ve touched upon these. But, anyone knows that over time, there are A LOT of crumbs at the bottom of any given bag, and yes, depending on what that bag has gone through, even more crumbs are more likely, and whole chips will certainly be sparse. Chip bags that hang out with other chip bags, upright, supported, and stacked just so, RATHER than handled, crushed, mangled, or tossed, tumbled, or yes, stepped on, have a lot more promise. (Self-care, healing, and the support of friends is everything.) I bounce things off of two very specific friends, who are candid, supportive, and will tell me like it is. They both know my past, my present, and they are invested in my future, and only because they really ARE my friends. They are judgement free, intelligent, and have walked their own roads. They are not afraid to call me out on my “stuff” and don’t necessarily agree with everything I do, or everything I believe, but they know what I need, when it’s bullshit, and they are “my safeties” in a world of madness and newness, multiple times over. They keep me humble, and they keep me laughing. And they’ll kick anyone in the crotch that needs it, on my behalf. (I’m certainly counting on that one, as there IS one who REALLY needs to protect his loins— BIG TIME.) His time is coming.
I was “recommended”, “as a bonus” to someone who “didn’t match my specifics, but you may have something in common”. The only thing I could see, was that he was listed as having a graduate degree. Any other logistics, just didn’t match, however, again, a newbie, I was willing to check it out. We chatted for a millisecond, as he was heading home and asked if we could continue our chat in an hour…he was a construction worker, and knew that I was a clinical therapist and dancer/choreographer. I figured he was some kind of engineer, but I didn’t put too much thought into it, because I’m all for whatever anyone works hard at, and with a passion. True to his word, he chatted me about an hour later. (Hard worker AND reliable!) I asked where he went to grad school, what he studied, and if it still related to what he now did. He said that he went to a union certificate program for construction. Needless to say, I was a bit confused….when I mentioned how we were algorithmically put together, I was shocked when he chatted, “Well, sorry to disappoint you.” (He had misinterpreted “graduate” and had completed his program.) And, then I got a notification: End of conversation—content deleted—blocked. ….OUCH! What?! I mean….What?!!
It caught me off guard, and I was shocked, as I was all ready to ask more about him, believing that sometimes people are put in each other’s path for a reason. However, that’s on him, and not me. I guess sometimes the algorithm is just….wrong.
I’ve decided that much like I “allow” my repeat, homesick campers, to decide just how long they want to be homesick this time, I am allowing myself time for this kind of adjustment as well. A mere millisecond of conversation gets minutes of WTH, thereafter, and maybe chatting for a few days gets a week or so. I’m kind of liking the formula, “2xTimespent=regrouping” ….For now, this can work. As for real relationships, I’m attempting .5xTimespent=regrouping. I’m also hoping to find some more expedient, new math in this process. I think I may have even found that on my own!
My 7 “IDEAL MAN” traits:
- He communicates well, so there is no miscommunication, drama, or anxiety.
2. He calls when he says he will call, because he keeps his word, (and he can’t wait to talk to you).
3. He plans dates, moves things forward, and is upfront and direct about how much he wants to be with you.
4. He allows you to pace the intimacy.
5. He’s emotionally healthy, available, and ready to really BE with you.
6. He’s looking FOR a relationship (and not for a booty-call) #thingsineverthoughtidsay
7. He’s a man who will treasure you and treat you right.
These, of course, are MY ideals, (Thank you Matt Boggs for your guidance and John Gottman, Ph.D, for your coursework.) They are just listed, and are not, in any numerical order. Anyone who truly cares about you, will not hurt you.
(Follow me for more recipes, and LOVE-YOUR-LIFE!) (I just needed the laugh!)
Aaaand, I absolutely LOVE sushi, and I’m just looking for baggage that “coordinates” with mine.
Cloves of Carolyn 