“Mature Dating” and Sparks

It’s become apparent, as I navigate the online dating concept, that dating is not particularly fun, and certainly not what it was when I was in my early 20s. (That’s age; not decade, wise asses!) And, also, I don’t seem to get “carded” for proof of age either! (Though I have requested to be, once or twice, and was happily obliged, without question, and with a smile.) I’m never going to date my co-workers, clients, etc. I’m not in school, meeting others. And, more-so, regardless of the platform, people are, very often, not whom they say that they are. There are more fake profiles out there than I could have ever imagined, at which I have become much more savvy in recognizing. There are a gamut of people who are dishonest (maybe even with themselves) about what they are looking for in a relationship. There’s also a lot of angry people who are legitimately looking for “the real deal” and are tired of having their time wasted. But, more so, the algorithm that these apps generate are really not logical enough to secure a great number of connections, regardless of ones noted parameters.

Knowing that I tend to connect with someone on an intellectual level as well as a personal level, I have listed that I have a graduate degree. It is NOT a “must have” for me on my profile for a connection, but it does connect others to me who might be interested in MY profile. My husband of almost 30 years, did not have a graduate degree, though he certainly could have, and he was quite intellectual. I like words and grammar, word puzzles, and intellectually stimulating conversations, where we can agree to disagree, like mature adults. And, I’m open to learning about things that are intriguing, or not already of my knowledge. Someone who has devoted a lot of time to their education is a good way to seek that out, though it’s certainly not the only way. So, when someone checks graduate on their profile, in the succession of educational level, it seems apparent that it means you at least attended, if not graduated, from a graduate program, but, apparently not to everyone. (Prior post that includes the construction guy, who was offended when I asked which grad school he attended.)

Connecting, communicating, and finding a rapport online is not easy. But, if there’s a decent rapport, it only makes sense to meet. First dates are tricky…I have my emergency back up, who is my dear friend that has agreed to be the keeper of details, and has keys to my place, where all the info re whom I am going to meet with, is on a post it…..If I don’t check in by a certain time, she’s got “ the deets” as a safety precaution. You know… Just “in case”. So far, so good. I’ve now, also realized that I only need to commit to a 2nd date if I believe we need more time to get to know each other, beyond that first date of discomfort. I’m a different person now, than in my 20s, and clearly, looking for someone that coincides with whom I am now….a contemporary, per se. I’ve learned a lot of lingo, and theories, and can recognize a rapport, rather than a vent, spillage, or interview, and as I’ve mentioned prior, and, whether or not someone still has their own work to do. We all continue to grow, and can benefit from learning more about ourselves; It’s a journey, right? That recognition is priceless, and clarifies more than I had ever expected. After one such date, a few months back, complete with a crazy waitress who was annoyed that we only ordered soup, and delivered it, and then slammed down our bill, I also got to see how that was handled, not just by my date, but by myself as well. It was really very telling, and helped me to commit to a second date. (How people treat servers is big!) I’ve also learned to bring along some open ended questions to keep the conversation going, and am more than thrilled when I don’t need to even mention that I had brought them…again…very telling with rapport. When there’s good conversation and good vibes, it’s easy, and when there’s a spark, even more so, but, it’s really tough when there’s a great rapport, but no spark. However, just recently, I’ve been introduced to a theory I had never heard of—- The “slow burn”.

Now, many of you might be familiar with this theory, but I, for one, was not. It’s the theory that attraction can grow slowly, between two people, over time, and as they get to know each other….”But Golda….Do you love me? What? I’m your wife!” Yup, that’s the song that kept coming to my mind when I really thought about this. The fiddler on the roof— They’re in an arranged marriage for 25 years, and have 5 daughters, but have never thought to have addressed whether or not they really love one another, until they realize, that after all this time, they must. I wasn’t t sure what the average time for a slow burn was, so, of course, I googled it. The answers varied, most saying three dates, but some others saying more like 6. And this was not to hop into bed together, it was for recognizing an attraction. Well, this changed up the whole thing for me. I mean, I’ve never thought about being with someone I wasn’t instantly attracted to in some way, though that attraction still had to have that intellect part. Plus, I had told a dear friend of mine (my safety, actually) that she needed to stop being soooo “one and done” after telling me what a great first date she had with yet another “really nice guy, who just wasn’t for her”. I asked her, if he’s such a great guy, why doesn’t he deserve a second date, and she thought about this, and realized I was right! (Score one point for Carolyn!) well, she did go on a second date with one of those guys, who “was a great guy, but not really her type” and they’ve now been together, exclusively, for just about 5 months now. Taaadaaaa! He sounds like a total gem, from what I know about him. And so, I had to eat my own words when I ended up in the same situation. To my defense, I also believe that I was thrown when I realized he didn’t look like any of his photos, though they were pretty recent. And so, I went on that second date, and we changed it up, did something active, followed by dinner. The guy picked a great place, that even accommodated my allergies with a special menu, and the waitress was lovely. She thought we were adorable and asked how long we had been together, and I chimed in, “about two hours now”, which he thought was hysterical. She hung out with us, chatting about meeting people in these odd times (she was like…28, mayyyybe, But we clearly had a lot in common.) The ride home was awkward, because I HAD had a great time, but, nope, no spark, and I really didn’t want to mislead him, so we chatted….uncomfortably, to say the least. He handled it with grace, saying he was truly disappointed because he DID feel a spark, but he had hoped we could still talk and maybe even go out again, even if as friends, or to catch a band, since we both liked the same music. I was hesitant, but thought, maybe this is what a slow burn is…Let’s see what happens, how we both handle this (points for open conversation, honesty, and maturity), and maybe that, all combined was worth a third date? Well, days later, he asked me out for a third date, and I agreed, as long as he’d allow me to go half, and, true to his word, he did. We still had a great rapport, but I still wasn’t feeling it. Three dates to a slow-burn spark was mentioned more than any other number, but it wasn’t hard and fast. About a mile from my place he said, “any spark?” And I felt awful and got quiet. He didn’t miss a beat. In fact, he said, I’m pretty sure that if you just kissed me good night, there’d be a spark.” He wasn’t pushing; I believe he was just hopeful…and confident. I was impressed with his confidence. So, I told him I was going to kiss him goodnight. The kiss wasn’t bad, but I still felt the same way. Maybe it was me?

Well, days later, I spoke with my therapist…Yes, every good therapist has their own therapist. It’s how we vent the heavy things that are layed upon us by our patients, and how we work through our own crap to not interfere with the neutrality we need to benefit our patients’ success. And yes, to work out our own places of being stuck and needing help to process, set goals, and move forward in our own lives. I continue to do grief work simultaneously with growth work. They go hand-in-hand pretty well themselves. And, over time, I did an inventory of all of my past relationships. I found, that in EVERY scenario, from the age of 14 on, that I was caught off guard, every time a relationship I was in, ended, by no doing of mine (and I mean the actual “ending” of it.) It was always the “it’s not you; it’s me” scenario, in which I had no say, no choice, and no way that I could’ve resolved it. I was the flexible partner in the dyad, and, eventually, the other shoe, just suddenly dropped. More often than not, I never EVER even saw it coming. (Thanks guys.) I just thought things were going along swimmingly, until someone broke up with me. Whoooooaaa. That explained A LOT! I now know that it created something called “anxious attachment”; Yes; You can google it. It’s an attachment style, in which (there are many attachment styles), based upon your childhood and past experiences. I was definitely familiar with this, and have even worked with my own patients on this and the other attachment styles, but, I had had a secure childhood, so I never put two and two together. (Enter, why loss of a spouse comes into play here.) Wow. It made so much sense. I mean, why allow myself to like someone or invest because the other shoe is just going to drop eventually anyway? One of my other close friends also concurrently said, “Maybe you’re just not ALLOWING yourself to like him, because it really sounds like you like him and he has potential.” My response: “I really don’t know about that….” I was befuddled for sure.

I really had to think long and hard about this one…I didn’t have a male confidant to bounce this off of…or…did I? I rewatched Eat, Pray, Love, as I do, every now and again. There were odd parallels…She felt like she might lose herself getting into a relationship after all that she had rebuilt on her own. She was happy as an independent person. Her life no longer revolved around someone else’s. And on and on. No, I haven’t gotten to Italy, Bali, or India, but the first two ARE on my bucket list. I do create great food for myself, plated, and all. I believe in the power of prayer, light, meditation, and do yoga and Pilates. Last summer I took that fabulous trip to paradise, and extended it a second week. This was beginning to look familiar. Maybe I fear losing myself or don’t want to invest when the other shoe will just drop anyway. Healing has been hard work, and it’s taken a long time. Plus, there’s still so much work to do…And, I don’t want it to be all work; It’s time to enjoy the fruit of my labors. The question is, do I want to go there again? Or would I prefer to do it alone?

I’m still “putting myself out there”. And my mother is really hopeful. Stay tuned….