December 24th, 2020 (Yup…l👀k what I Found.)

Soooo, it’s just after 10 am, on a Thursday. And not just any Thursday, but Christmas eve…yet, another day that isn’t the way we “usually do it”. With the exception of 5 years ago, when both kids were in Israel, on a Birthright trip, we have traditionally ordered in food, and made plans to go see a movie tomorrow, hristmas day, and then go out for a late lunch or early dinner of Chinese food or sushi. The four of us…two parents, and two kids, now young adults.
Instead, I find myself, once again, during this infamous pandemic year, solo, attempting to reinvent myself and the days.
YES, I DO know that I am not alone in that, in any way, as witnessed by two emergency sessions, in the last two days, with patients with high anxiety, panic attacks, and the onset of depression…the latter, ending, merely, at 11 pm last night, when I, personally, just needed to be completely done, having just gotten home from a long night of work, after a crazy day. But, nevertheless, I needed to go over the positives and negatives for my patient, of two newly prescribed meds that I had recommended for her, educate her on their benefits, and aid her in a schedule to begin taking them.

Because, well, ‘Tis the season.

Usually, there are cancelations galore to holiday shop, (which is SOOOOO much more important than attending a therapy session.), And, as well, to attend school concerts, holiday recitals, bake cookies with extended family, to take advantage of surprise grandparent gifts to Broadway shows, or the Rockettes, or the ballet, to attend office parties, and spouses office parties, and get togethers that constantly arise. (I believe in the value of most of those.).
This year, the majority of those things didn’t even happen…Nothing has been like “usual”.
And, you see, this particular patient is a superstar….a superwoman…a do it all with great consistency, rockstar…Though, she never realizes how much she does handle, and with oh SO much grace. I see it, and marvel at it, and even recognize our similarities from when I was her age and my children were of similar ages. The plans made, the food, both ordered and prepped, the homemade cookies, gifts wrapped just right, for every family member, extended family member, and extras for whomever might “just show up” and couldn’t be left out. The careful balance of time scheduled to be with each side of the family, for quality time, and each outfit for each person, for each event, carefully chosen, pressed, coordinating and magical, assuring fabulous pictures and a lifetime of memories. (That I, of course, within a brief time, would have to match to the best coordinating papers to scrapbook, as well as sending duplicates to the grandparents, for their own enjoyment.) I actually started “giving myself a break” at one point, by sending perfectly posed, and personally handwritten cards at the start of the new year, rather than prior to every December holiday, when the kids were, maybe, early adolescents, but I only qualified that as fair, because I had done all of Thanksgiving prep and entertaining with a houseful, and a cousins’ brunch the day following, and had my usual girly holiday celebration within a week or two of that. I was an absolute GENIUS to have let myself “off the hook” that way, with the cards, allowing myself a whole additional 14 to 21 days…go me!

But, since Thanksgiving weekend, 2019, none of ‘the usual” has occurred because of Dave’s admission for a procedure in early December, to finally assess his health, and, inability to kick, what we all thought was unresolved pneumonia, which had been going on for months. Though my gut had been telling me for quite some time, and I had been telling him as well, that he was ill; Something was wrong, and he just wasn’t himself. His failing to address his health had always been an upsetting thing to me…putting off annual visits, canceling appointments, letting prescription renewals lapse until he was out of meds for days, etc. He saw this as me nagging, and I was otherwise at a loss to show him how much I cared.

I’m a “preventive girl”….always have been, and always will be, because “if I know about it, I can have a plan, and a plan is always good.” The alternative is anxiety, and that, and thrill seeking, is just not my thing. I DO NOT do well, living on the edge. (To know me, is to know I have a planner—always.) I’m scheduling, at the least, 9 to 12 months in advance, because certain things in my life happen annually, and the remainder of my life is scheduled around those things….camp, trainings, recitals, competitions, photo shoots, rehearsals, patients, choreography, classes, grad students, supervision, family holidays, birthdays, and family trips to connect with family down south. I put all of that in a planner, and wiggle between what’s left for me “to live”. I can’t recall the last real “vacation” I have taken prior to any of this because responsibility has ALWAYS come first, and there was never the financial resources for anything else while I struggled to keep us afloat, way beyond what anyone knew about, for lots of reasons. I could not take off from work to attend weddings, etc., for loss of income, because if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I don’t live in a world of comp time, or bonuses, but I have always made sure to provide gifts, and, one of us would represent, especially, when my salary was our only salary.
None of this is meant to cast a shadow over either of our styles, but, I’m learning now, that I never gave myself a break… I never did less than my absolute best; I’ve never tossed caution to the wind, presuming that “it would all work itself out” because, time and time again, I saw that it did NOT work itself out. I am also not one to ask for help… I AM that helper– always.
But, one certainly cannot live in a bubble (not meaning anything Covid-19 bubble related). There must be a give and take. We are social beings.

Instead, I find myself, once again, during this infamous pandemic year, solo….just me…attempting to reinvent myself and reinvent the days.  

And so, I decided to try to make some changes, and, very slowly, I have. But, I realize now, that I ALLOWED some of these things to happen. I allowed people to play me, because I thought I was being the reliable, helpful one. And, what Ive discovered, now, 3 years later, is that people will, most certainly, use you for their own benefits and convenience, until you begin to say “no”. Especially people who know your personal business, or your financial obligations, or those that claim to be your friend, or are just plain users.

I have learned that some people “whom I would’ve crossed any ocean for” wouldn’t even “walk down a corridor” literally, for me. They didn’t even give it a second thought. I also need to keep reminding myself not to “expect me” from them.

And so now, having found the draft from December, 2020, that begins this post, I can see the progress I’ve made, even though much of it has been thrust upon me. I will no longer presume that anyone else will do things as I choose to do them. I will no longer chase people, to have them in my life, and, if people want to go…they can go. I don’t want to be anyone’s second or third choice, or a place holder, or their coverage, so they can do the things I should, or allow them the ability to just sit back and relax. If you want me in your life, you’re going to have to work for it, by reciprocating, and by aligning your actions with your words. I find it difficult to put these boundaries in place, but, little by little, I am getting better at it. And, as my friend reminds me, “I am the Tequila, and NOT the lime”.

So, here’s to December… A painful month, with a “grief advent calendar of sorts”, counting down to loss, with growing pains as well, and the perfect time to reflect.