I HAD A LOT OF LIVIN’ –TO DO!

Soooo, I haven’t blogged since May…That’s right; It’s been MONTHS. And, though this has happened before, and not intentionally, this time, it was on purpose, because I was very busy, making good on my last blog, and finding that new balance I spoke of. Having completed my vaccinations, I watched, as life began to bud, like new flowers in Spring. Spring, the season where life begins to show promise of the beauty yet to enfold.

June came around faster than expected; We barely even had an actual spring, as temperatures outside began to climb rapidly, and, while prepping for recital season, camp got back in touch with me and asked me to consider coming to work for any time that I could. I would still have to completely ”lock down” there, and had already committed to teaching, choreographing, supervising grad students, and, of course, my patients. It also became apparent that my invitation to see Alaska via land and sea, was not going to happen anytime soon; Cruises were still not happening, and there was just no other way to MAKE it happen. And so, after some thought and some rearranging, I agreed to go to camp…my new camp, that never opened last year because of Covid. A few weeks later was recital day, all 100 degrees of it, outdoors, in all of its sweaty glory, then a very sweet, sweet 16, of one of my LONG-time students, and then I packed up my car, took a covid test, and a leap of faith, got into my car, and headed to The Berkshires. (I hear that it’s beautiful in the area surrounding camp, but we locked down for safety, YOLO.) Camp kept me plenty busy, and I saw my patients virtually on my off time, but I felt welcomed and appreciated, worked hard, and left feeling accomplished. I returned home in mid-July to teach for another 6 weeks, and choreograph for a couple of days over the next 2 weeks.

In between teaching and choreographing, I had the opportunity to go camping twice…Once, for 6 days, traveling to Rockport, Maine, the lobster capital of the US, (for the lobster festival, that ended up being canceled, also because of Covid), where we saw some beautiful views, some fabulous light houses, learned all about Puffins, and yes, ate some fabulous lobster. The best, being, at our actual campground, hosted by the owners, and enjoyed with others from around the US, also camping. The weather, mainly, cooperated, and we survived 36 hours of rain in our tent with laughter, wordscapes, and an extra tarp, and even ate well, having picked up some local seafood from in town. The second camping trip was along the Delaware River, rafting with friends, in a fabulous repeat of last summer’s 3 day weekend, that I had enjoyed so much. Again, lots of laughter and good food, and we decided to make culinary delights, mainly for our dinners, succeeding in making everyone else jealous.

Choreography and an entire production number completed, I was asked to drive to Florida, rather than fly down a couple of weeks later, and couldn’t see a reason to say no, so off I went….another leap of faith. My only disappointment was not being able to connect with family along the way; Though we planned for it, none of them could make it happen. Upon arriving at the welcome center, we found out that it IS true, that you can have a cup of orange juice or grapefruit juice upon arrival to Florida! Hysterical!

I spent almost 3 weeks in Florida, on both coasts, connecting with friends from the past, their family, and seeing my rents as well. I was able to see my cousins, my uncle, my niece and nephews, celebrate a birthday, get out for a wonderful dinner, see my daughter and daughter in law, and connect with one of my favorite professors, who was the chairman of my college sociology department. It was a truly fabulous way to kick of the Jewish new year, having never spent it that way….ever.

After a very successful trip, I returned home, by plane, in time for a staff meeting, and to begin teaching. I’ve been home, just short of 3 weeks, but am already into the routine, though sleep and some other complications still challenge me, having had Covid 10 months ago, and complications thereafter. I am now considered a ”long-hauler”, and am working on getting back my stamina, my sleep, my sense of smell and taste, and saying goodbye to my anxiety, fractured ribs and my inhaler. I mask based on my own comfort level, and fear how bad colds will be after not being exposed to ”regular” germs, but I work with kids and families, and cannot afford for a cold to turn into bronchitis, at least, for now. This weekend, I also got my flu shot. And, also this weekend, I was able to be a part of a friend’s daughter’s bat mitzvah, and return to the city and see a Broadway show, having purchased the tickets two years ago!

I’ve learned SO much through this pandemic, but I’ve learned even more about myself…what I need, what I value, and what I want, going forward. I plan to spend much more time with my family, much more time enjoying the things around me, much more time IN the positive, allowing myself to be valued, spend time with those that truly love and care about me, take a chance to love again, and just be me, without apology. I am going to leap, every now and then, because I have stepped, kicked, kicked, yet again, and have touched down too, but I have A LOT of livin’ to do.

March Forward

I cannot believe that it’s been over 3 months since I have blogged. SO many things have transpired during that 3 months, but that’s a whole other blogpost. We are here again…March…One year since the world shut down, and one year past what I believe to be the BIGGEST amount of anxiety from the MOST people I’ve ever witnessed, or have been a part of, myself. I remember, everyday that week, waiting for that phone call…”Don’t come into work tonight; We’re not opening.” And, I remember the numbers of people, dwindling down, all week long, but the amount of phone calls escalating…”Are you open? You ARE?!!” I remember my realization…I could be out of work for quite some time. Will I still be able to afford my medical coverage? Will I still even have it? What happens if I cannot teach? will happen if I cannot meet with my patients? Will my practice even survive this? How will they get the support they need? How will I? Will I be able to pay my bills, my groceries, my mortgage? And the questions and the anxiety mounted. Within days, the inevitable happened….I was out of work…but, until when? It’s so odd now when I realize that our government initially said that we would shut down for two weeks…2 weeks— I can do two weeks. I don’t have any savings, but, I have a freezer, toiletries, a roof over my head, and I can make adjustments, and even be creative, if need be.
1 week later, I was overwhelmed beyond belief; Meetings of every kind, at every hour, on every social platform I had ever been on a few times, to address therapeutic treatment, teaching online, and camp. I clocked over 100 hours of work (while I was “off”) and the theories changed daily, and then hourly. 2 weeks later I was teaching online. 3 weeks later, I was seeing (only 1) patient virtually, and helping camp staff to acclimate. 4 weeks later, I hardly recognized my home, having moved the furniture and created a dance studio, complete with a backdrop, sound, and lighting, and my office space had taken over that which was, weeks before, my dining room table. 5 weeks later, I picked up my never before used by me ukulele, and began learning to play, and 6 weeks later, I had become more creative than this scrapbooker had ever deemed possible. I was well beyond my need for groceries, having “lived off the land”, and was running out of toilet paper. I wasn’t one of the many who had run out immediately to stock up or stockpile, because I really didn’t believe we’d be in lockdown for THIS long. I had to go out and get things. So, I masked up, having sewn some of my own masks at home, gloved up, took my rolling cooler, and some wipes, and headed to Aldi. I had tried, unsuccessfully, for hours upon hours, to get a pick up time slot from Shoprite; forget about delivery, and I now, had no choice. I got in my car, having only started it up every 3 to 5 days, and realized I had a full tank of gas. I headed out of my development, which was quiet..like precamp quiet, and then onto the main road, that was eerily empty. I hadn’t been out in weeks, and, with very few exceptions, it was a ghost town. When I arrived at the store, gloves had been strewn here and there, and I became disgusted. There weren’t many, but I’m one of those people that despise littering, and, even worse, the spreading of germs. I decided to get what I needed and get the @#$& out. Every person there felt threatened by my mere existence, and I felt equally threatened by theirs. I tried to smile, but masked, that’s not readable. There were limitations as to what was available, and no toilet paper to be found. I heard other customers, at a distance, mentioning where they had “gotten lucky” and found some. I laughed to myself how much THAT expression had changed. Nonetheless, I finished (because a cooler can hold just so much) and realized I’d be living on salmon for the very near future. I got on line, upon invitation of a staff member, checked out, loaded my car, and got in and cried. I was flustered, sweaty, couldn’t breathe, and was fearful that I had exposed myself to what could possibly end in my death. I felt like I had entered the land of the lost. Sleestacks were everywhere, and I had no choice, but to risk my life for survival. I gathered myself, got back on the road, made it home, washed my hands, washed down EVERYTHING, and stripped down from my clothing, and jumped into the shower, aka “silkwood” style. I immediately did a wash, and bagged up any packaging tightly. I was really stressed, when I should’ve found relief. I couldn’t imagine venturing out again, let alone any time soon. I was hopeful that I could go another month before I had to, if we were still in lockdown. 3 weeks later, I had no choice. Canned kidney beans just weren’t cutting it for diversity, but, this time, I was more prepared. I did much better, and so did lots of people. Stores had made adjustments, carts were sanitized, numbers of occupants were limited. I had to go for bloodwork, and checked in from my car, and was texted as the next “guest” when my “lab tech was now ready for me”. I wondered why it hadn’t been done this way previously, and all along. We were experiencing our new normal, and it was clear we would have to get used to it. This wasn’t ending anytime soon. I became a master of social distancing, and working from home. I kept myself busy, cooking, cleaning, learning music, binge watching, and keeping in touch with family and friends. I craved social interaction, and balked at my mom, upset with my dad, and them driving each other crazy, while I remained isolated. I had no patience for anyone complaining about their families, when I was dying to see mine. I hadn’t seen anyone at all since sitting shiva in early January, and the sadness of being alone became magnified. I decided that it was time to get out for a walk, as often as possible, and take In the sunshine and beauty around me. It was the beginning of venturing back out onto our planet, and it was a wise choice. Over the next few weeks, things changed. I made them change. I went to a garden center, bought some trees and lots of plants, made hanging bags, and began tending to what became a lush garden. I bought myself a mini BBQ, and cooked outside when possible. I got out to connect with a couple of my friends who surprised me for my birthday. We ate, distanced, outside, and it made me realize just how much I needed support and social interaction. I mean, come onnn now, have you met me?! I had been on a downward slope, and hadn’t really recognized it until then. Walking became a necessity for me, and I became creative in my connecting with others. FaceTime, WhatsApp, and Zoom became my nights out, complete with wine, and/or dinner on occasions. I spent evenings on the deck, with music playing, and bug candles lit, and connected, sometimes, for hours. Camp was canceled, and I found myself baffled; I mean, what DO people do that are not at camp all summer? And then, a dear friend invited me to join her on the beach. More sunshine, good company, and water which brings me calm. No, it wasn’t a lake, but, I found the bay to be the next best thing. Over time, I was going weekly, and even went camping, which, being back in my camp element, was the highlight of my summer.
As I approach the same coming of spring, and the clocks going ahead to begin Daylight Savings this weekend, I marvel at how far I have come. I still have so many unanswered questions, and my summer is still up in the air, but, I am a survivor, and, in more ways than one. I have learned, adapted, strengthened relationships with those that were willing to do the work alongside me, and have become more flexible, as well as having stretched my comfort zone. And, all along the way, I have helped others. We really CAN acclimate and learn new coping skills. I know this, because I teach it everyday. But, I needed to look at my own progress, vs. perfection.
In a few weeks, I will be attending a wedding. It is the first celebration that I will be at in quite some time, and I am REALLY looking forward to it and everything surrounding it. The venue has changed three times. The attire has changed twice. The love has grown. It is, what I hope to be, the first of many celebrations that have had to be reinvented, but now are way, wayyyyy more important because they come from love and appreciation, moreso than they would have previously. My comfort zone may not be the same as others attending, but, I am embracing what works for me. I am looking forward to spending an evening on the dance floor, dancing the night away, as I continue to March forward.