I’ve finally arrived home! … from camp, about two weeks ago, and from DC, about three days ago, but I wasn’t really “HERE” until now~ Not physically or spiritually, that is, until RIGHT now.
It’s pretty obvious, at this point, especially if you follow my blog, that I’ve made a series of major life changes in the last, oh, I don’t know, maybe 12 to 18 months. Or, at least, I THOUGHT it was pretty obvious, but Facebook still baffles and intrigues me by what some people state on there…(However, I think that’s a whole other blogpost.)
Some of these changes have gone down with quite a battle, and yes, there has also been some shrapnel in the process, and, of course, some wounds. I’ve lost people along the way…those that have removed ME from their lives, without even consulting me, and, I’ve gotta say, that hurts…a lot. It really REALLY caught me off guard too. But, I guess, no matter how many decades I was a part of their lives, maybe I was never all that important to them, and the joke was really on me. I pride myself in relationships, and keeping in touch, showing interest, showing support, sending cards, checking in, and being there, but, I realize now, that I just can’t do that alone…in ANY kind of relationship. It takes investing. And, maybe it’s just easier for them to toss me aside than to do the work that it takes to keep a relationship active and stay in touch. Did they NOT realize all along, that i was the one doing the work? …cheering for family, making time and sacrifices for it and its importance? Did they REALLY think that my, then, spouse was the one doing it? Maybe it’s easier for them to cast blame, than to take responsibility for anything on their end. And, believe me, age plays no part in that wisdom, whether that happens or not, and, apparently, neither does the number of years invested, or even being family. It’s heartbreaking. No, it’s not heartbreaking…it’s soul crushing.
I’ve decided to “let go”. Not of everything, but of the pain it has caused. I found a magnet today that said ” let go, or be dragged”. I also don’t think it was a coincidence that IT found ME in the market while on line, purchasing flowers and dessert prior to going to someone’s home to celebrate Rosh Hashanah…the Jewish new year.
But, I’m not going to stop being whom I’ve always been. I’m going to continue being the thoughtful me, but because it makes me happy to do those things, because it’s who i am. It’s whom I’ve ALWAYS been. That won’t change. I’ve, more recently, embraced change, more than I ever have before. First, quite honestly, out of not having a choice, but then, BY choice. I keep a gratitude journal; I have, for years now…before anyone thought it was vogue…you know, therapeutic milieu and all that because of me being a therapist, and I try to be positive (afterall, that’s a part of my bloodtype) and some changes really just had to happen. But, then I did an assessment…a baseline, if you will, just to have something to compare it to, and, I realized, I could really USE some change. so, when it began to happen organically in some situations, I just let it. Job change…location change… heck, even the dining room at camp that I ate in for years…what an AMAZING change THAT was…thanks Jenn! My home, my commute, my clothing, my personal preparation before going out. Even my skin has changed (for the better).
I’ve learned a lot…about other people, and about myself. I’ve learned who it is that is really there for me, and if you want to reciprocate, that’d be great. But I’m not going to badger myself as to what I did that made the relationship fizzle…that takes another party’s participation as well. And, I know that life is busy, but, if you feel that I’m worth it, reach out, or, at least, reach back. I’ve learned to embrace change when necessary, and I’ve learned that where I NOW live, is finally home…but I had to leave, to find that out. A year ago, I was in a very different place….it’s truly amazing what can change in a year. Here’s to the new year, and to the new and improved me. If you’re not with me, you’re missing out!